Examen

 The prayer of Examen isn't a new concept to me, but it's one I have practiced only rarely. I avoid looking within. The maxim "know thyself" kind of terrifies me, honestly. I'd rather not plumb the depths of my sinful self.

But this prayer isn't really about introspection or navel-gazing. It is about looking back over the day (or week, etc.) and first, searching for how God was present to us throughout the day and how we responded. Secondly, it is about inviting God to go with us into a review of our day and to show us the places where we fell short and sinned. Only by revealing those dark places can we find healing and growth into Christlikeness.

I appreciate Foster's way of handling this topic. He isn't shying away from the difficulty of it. The revealing of sin is painful. But he spends a good bit of ink revealing the grace of it. The grace is in self-knowledge. He explains that we can only offer to God our true selves - not what we'd like to be, or what we seem on the surface to be, but our true, actual selves. That includes our brokenness, our weakness, our tendencies toward sin.

I like to include a picture in these reflections. This one surprised me. I hadn't thought to find a photo with a foggy mirror, but I think it is the perfect illustration. We can look at ourselves, but only when we ask God to come with us - to wipe away the fog - do we see our true selves. He reveals, at the right time, what needs to be dealt with. He walks with us through that difficult place, only revealing what we can handle. This enables us to confess it, to accept that part of ourself, and to offer it to him to heal and use as he sees fit. That is a grace indeed.

Dare we complain to God?

Recently, in a short devotional at the beginning of a meeting, a young believer stated that her pastor tells them that they shouldn't question God. Because there are language issues, and I didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable, I let the comment go. But it disturbed me because it simply isn't true. The Bible is full of people who asked God "why?" and"when?" and who complained about their circumstances. In Jeremiah 12:1, the prophet gives voice to a question that has persisted in human hearts throuout the ages: why is evil allowed to continue? Moses complaines for himself in Numbers 11, asking "Why have you dealt ill with your servant?" David, in a season of feeling God's apparent absence, rather than his presence, asked "Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?" (Psalm 10:1).  And, of course, Christ himself, from the cross cried out "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"

In many biblical instances of questioning, God himself answers directly, such as in Job or Habakkuk. Other times, such as in the Psalms of Lament, the questioner, through his questioning, is reminded of the character of God and ends his lament with praise. Psalm 88 is the other way around. Heman (the author) begins with a statement of God's saving nature. He then continues, unloading his frustrations on God, "Why, Lord do you reject me and hide your face from me?" and ends in sadness. There is profound humanness, real truth in this lament. Sometimes there aren't any answers when God seems far away. 

Foster's counsel in this section "The Prayer of Complaint" and the remainder of the chapter is thus: 

• it is ok to complain to God (but remember HE is God); 
• keep doing what you know is right - praying, reading, being in fellowship - in this way you keep longing for God's presence;  
• wait - silently, patiently, trusting that God is at work.

Mutual Freedom

The path when God seems far away is dark and hard. I don't know where I'm going, yet life carries me along. It is hard, uncomfortable, and frightening. Foster reminds me that we can't demand anything of God. Our relationship with him is one of mutual freedom. We are free to choose or ignore him as we will, and he is free to show himself to us, or not, as he wills. Of course, he never ignores us, for that is not in his nature. But he is not obliged to come when we ask him.

 This is itself, a grace, says Foster, because God is "weaning us from fashioning him in our own image." Foster continues by recounting a season when he endured a time of God's seeming absence. He explins the lessons God was teaching him during this time. God freed him from being impressed by external things like successes and praise. He also indicates that he gained a deep awareness that he could not control God. Secondly, he indicates that he was freed from dependence upon interior results. I think this could partly be described like this: when stripped of the sense that we have prayed well, communed with God well, worshipped well, etc., and when our hearts are fraught with doubts of God's presence or goodness or even of his existence, we are left with nothing but pure faith in God. Everything else is stripped away and we must choose, again and again, it seems, to believe in God and who HE has said he is, rather than anything we have made of him.

It is a dangerous time, bscause we can easily sink into despair or abandon the search for God all together. It seems to me that these are the times when we must consciously recount God's work in our lives and the lives of others most carefully.

In the Dark

       Chapter 2 of Richard Foster's book, Prayer, is titled "Prayer of the Forsaken". It begins with a thorough description of the near-universal experience of Christians: when God is silent. He recounts the many names saints have given to this difficulty: "the desert", "the dark night of the soul", "the cloud of unkowing", and "the withering winds of God's hiddenness".

The withering winds description especially resonates. It feels like the longer it goes on, the dryer I feel. I know God is there. I know he hears and cares and is working. But in those times when it seems his guidance, his comfort, even his presence are lacking, knowing isn't very encouraging.

Foster then reminds the reader that this experience is, in fact, "a major highway" which many have travelled before us. It is part of the pilgrim's path, and we should both expect and embrace it. It is easier to say than it is to do.

"Counsels Along the Way"

 Foster's first chapter in his book on prayer concludes with some advice and a word of hope. The advice comes in five thoughts, which I will summarize here:

1. "...prayer is nothing more than an ongoing and growing relationship with God the Father, Son and Holy Spirit." It is about loving him.
2. We should never be discouraged that we are not praying more. Desiring prayer is itself a type of prayer. Hard hearts will be softened slowly by prayer.
3. We shouldn't try too hard to pray. We aren't ready for it yet, any more than a weekend jogger is ready for a marathon.
4. We should pray even when in times of struggle with sin - bring the struggle itself to God.
5. Don't seek eventful (perhaps he means also emotional) prayer experiences in the beginning. Be content to rest in the Father's arms.

My reflections on these points: I struggle with the first one. My feelings are quite muted because of the medication I have to take. It is hard for me to feel love or joy or delight. I understand what he is saying about discouragement. And I wonder if my recent longing for more prayer, and this effort in journaling, isn't his way of drawing me more into prayer. Even as I type, I feel as if I'm praying this over with him.

I am so guilty of number 3. I try to bite off too much at once and then I can't keep it up because of life's demands, so I feel discouraged and guilty and just quit. I am also guilty of number 5. I long to FEEL God's presence in prayer and so strive for that, pleading, or trying to get it just right. And then get discouraged, believing that I have done something wrong or missed some crucial step. 

The final section of the chapter is, to me, a word of hope. There is real danger in Simple Prayer, as we can become so self centered. But he indicates that as we continue in even this most basic of prayers, God begins to shift our hearts so that he is at the center, rather than myself. I do feel like I need a week or so of practice in this type of prayer. I need to pour out my honest thoughts and feelings to God more routinely and more fully. And I need to simply rest, like a child, in knowing that he is there, even if I don't have a sense of it.