Giving Thanks

It has been a long while since I wrote of things for which I am thankful. God's gifts are so many, yet I have found it far harder than I expected to cultivate the attitude of thanksgiving I had envisioned. Today is Ash Wednesday and though my background is not liturgical, I feel led to attend to the season of Lent this year, much as we spend December in increased attentiveness through Advent.

As I focus on the life and death of Jesus in the next 40 days, I hope also to focus more on thankfulness, including these:

55. The scent of tomato plants in the garden

56. The sour-sweetness of the first ripe tomato

57. Little girl arms wrapped around daddy's neck - welcoming home

58. A favorite salad - enjoyed only once a year here

59. Small hands gathering beans

Unreliable internet in our remote place prevented me from posting this yesterday, and from adding the photos I would like to share.

Intertwined, Uprooted

It is spring here: the height of our gardening season. One recent afternoon saw me out in the garden, collecting sprigs of oregano, leaves of basil, bunches of parsley, and other green goodness for our evening meal.

Last, I headed to collect some mint.

Ours resides in a cement ring, to be raised above the flooding of the rains.

It is high season for mint.

The pot is full and green as I approach it from across the yard.

But mint is not all that grows there this spring.

Clover crowds in, vying for space in the damp warmth.

The clover has been at its work for a while now,

winding vines and runners around those of mint.

Unseen, ignored.

The two are intertwined.

Clearing the clover will take time, patience, effort:

but a necessary task if the mint is to survive, to thrive,

to send deep and spreading roots through its earthen home.

Should the rains arrive while the mint

is weakened by competition

and overcrowding,

it may not survive the onslaught - up to 120 inches of rain - in the space of a few weeks.

This particular clover is serious about gaining the upper hand.

Already, it is flowering, preparing to bear seed.

And so, I begin: painstakingly tracing out and removing

each root, each leaf,

each trailing stem seeking to put roots in yet another part of the pot.

It is tedious work, this uprooting of established weeds.

My legs ache from crouching low over the mess.

The sun beats hot on my back.

Other work beckons from the kitchen.

But this seems important, vital work somehow.

Why do I care today, about mint and weeds?

And then it comes, the soft voice in my mind,

showing me why mint matters on this busy

'company's coming for dinner' afternoon:

Sin -- all sin -- edges into life in the same way as

clover has forced its way into this pot.

It creeps into some unwatched corner -

a tendril from a neighbor,

a seed from a passing friend

- it slips in unnoticed

and makes quick work of spreading roots and seeds,

and destruction.

A little gossip here, a seed of impatience there;

of what importance is a few moments of sloth, or a tendril of unbelief?

Yet soon, sin - or clover - has done its work

and we are far from where we could have been

from where we - and HE - wants us to be.

A friend has come, to aid in clearing the weeds.

The work shared is simpler, less painful,

with tinges of

joy?

Can it be that the painful work of rooting out sin is easier when shared?

The work is done
leaving gaps and scarred dirt where beautiful
yet ugly weeds once grew.

Pulling up sin leaves scars
empty spaces
waiting to be filled.

The weed will return if I am not careful
vigilant
removing each trace of clover's rebirth.

The sin will return if I am not prayerful
vigilant
letting Him root out each attempt of sin to return.


Thank you for the lesson of mint and weeds,
for being the REMARKABLE in the unremarkable of life.


photos from our mint patch

Random Thoughts

The weather has turned cold here.  Two nights this week have reached 60.  The children wake up and shiver, rooting around for blankets in the hidden corners.  How used to the heat we have become.  But the poor feel the cold most of all.  They do not - cannot - eat enough to produce extra body heat.

My garden is growing.  Beans are reaching for the sky, lettuce trying to peek through.  The tomato plants are gorgeous - sprouting new leaves nearly every day. But the carrots are being rebellious.  They seem to prefer dying underground to growing toward the light.

School is nearly finished for the year.  Songs and prayers, sums, wars, alphabets, and radish sprouts all studied, ingested, retold.  And we are changed for the doing of it.  Perhaps the teacher-mommy most of all.

A local girl, without a father, and with a mother whose new husband does not want her around, has found in me a soft spirit.  She is certainly in need.  Her grandfather, upon whom she relies for shelter, is badly disabled with leprosy.  But I am limited by how little of her need I can understand.  She had no shoes, it seems.  She has no sweater for these cool nights, or so she tells me.  It may very well be truth, but I can not read between the lines.  I can not see into her soul.  I must ask others to do this for me.  So I have given a little - our eldest's  sandals, too small for her by a bit, but something; a little food; some clothes for a younger sibling.  But mostly, I wait to see what our co-workers can discern of her true need.  It is hard to know how to help best.

A 4-year-old-girl's evening prayer brought a chuckle:  "Dear Jesus, thank you for Mommy and Daddy and me and everybody in the whole world and my brothers and the neighbors and my friends, and that man to get out of jail (she refers to a colleague).  And thank you that they live in a wood house and everything is ok. (??? perhaps the beavers in the Narnia book we are reading?) And Amen.  I said AMEN!

Little moments stitched together.  This is life.

Letting go

of dreams of a picture postcard life is not easy.  We all have them, I suppose: those mental pictures, reinforced by the idol-images of Better Homes and Gardens, parenting  magazines, or even Today's Christian Woman and (dare I say it?) believers' blogs.  Someone called a brand of this "Mommy-porn":  perfect images of celebrity moms, perfectly fit, in their perfect rooms, cradling perfectly dressed and mannered children. 

But I think it is idolatry.  At least in my own life, these images, ideas, even dreams become idols:  my rooms should look "like this;" my children should behave "like this;" my meals should taste "like this;" my life should be lived in "this way."

Where is authenticity? Where is reality?  Life is a messy, complicated thing.  It is not, can not be picture perfect.  The ugly, the loud, the failure teach by His grace - as surely as do the beautiful, the  peaceful, and the gentle.  To live in the "someday my life will look like this" dreamworld is to miss the tangible evidences of God in TODAY. 

Yet the dreams persist, creep back again and again to tempt and to taunt.  The dream of "perfect" lures me away from being perfected . And still He calls, beckons me to leave my idols and return to Him.  What grace!


Grateful thanks to Ann whose thoughts and prayers led me to think and pray also; who shares the ugly along with the beautiful. And that is real.

A beautiful new look

for my blog, courtesy of MaddieLynn. As I told her, its cheerful colors and design are inspiring and just make me feel happy!

She has been wonderful to work with by email and very prompt. I highly recommend you visit her site if you are looking for a cheery re-work of your blog! The link is in the left sidebar.

Thanks, MaddieLynn!

in a day

40. A day to be reminded . . .

41. . . . of hands . . .

42. . . . and feet . . .



43. . . . and purpose.

It's all grace, all from his hands.


Photos from a clinic I was able to attend.

Molding

Seven years worth of half-spent candles fill a bowl to overflowing. Seven winters of occasional warmly-lit dinners; seven advents spent; seven years of occasional electric-less evenings. Candles don't last long here, soon growing gray and dirty - long before they can be used up.

Today, it was time for the red candles to find new life. Red brings great joy to this mommy, so fully half of these old pillars are red. A cutting board and large knife soon reduce the pile to small, ugly chunks. A large old can, a heavy sauce pot, and two or three damp matches are applied to the task, and before long, pieces soften and smooth into a deep red gloss.

Little hands and eyes crowd, eager to see this process. Questions fill the air. String cut and tied to pencils - the dipping begins.
Slowly, 5 small lives (3 homegrown, 2 borrowed) turn bare string into small tapers, ready to be put into service. They will give only a small light, and will burn for but a few moments, but there has been joy in the forming of them.

An hour or two of my time went into candle-molding today; an hour or two of me, invested in child-molding at the same time. This is what it is, parenting: moments gathered together or scattered around, events shared, lessons learned.

With each moment, another layer of wax is added to the candle.

With each moment, another layer of being is added to the child.

The hand holding the candle must be steady, attentive, mindful of the wax and the water - lest the candle become crooked and unusable.

The heart guiding the child must likewise be steady, attentive, and mindful of His Heart - for the child is His child first.

Three small candles, newly formed, are prized in this home tonight.

Three small lives, forming, are prized in heaven tonight. How brightly they will burn and for how long, is know only to Him who formed them.

Use me to mold them well, through your grace and for your service, Father.

Another month

. . . has passed since I last posted. Many times I have had ideas, observations, thoughts that I wanted to write, but have found myself too busy, or too tired, or too sick, or too something! But today brought blessings too wonderful NOT to write about!

Of course, today is Sunday. That alone is a blessing. A day to rest, a day to worship. For me, it was extra special, as it was my first opportunity to attend our home church since we came back to the US. The rest of the family went last week, while I nursed a nasty sinus infection in bed.

But the most amazing part of today, so far, has been the surprise we woke up to: SNOW!!! Of our 3 children, only The Scholar has even seen snow, and he was only 1 at the time. The 4-5 inches we got was enough to scuff around in, shovel (what joy!) and even sled on. We enjoyed racing down the hill, sometimes more gracefully than others, and landing in the soft snow at the end of the run. We watched our children's wonder as they observed how the snow fell and balanced in strange ways. We laughed with them at the feel of snow, its taste, and the way it chilled them when it worked its way in around their cuffs.I nearly cried over Princess Grace's reaction to the first snow she has ever seen. When I asked what she thought of the snow, she just hugged my leg, rested her head on me, and smiled: too enraptured for words.

What (on earth) could be better than this?

Of Writing and Reading Blogs

While we have been traveling, I found myself unable to post. Sometimes, the internet was just too hard to access. At other times my thoughts were too hard to access. For me, posting is an emotional, even cathartic process. My depression and anxiety, and the medication I take for them, leave my emotions blunted, my true feelings masked. Digging into my thoughts takes time and effort: which travel and chaos tend to prevent. Sometimes, I mourn the loss of my feelings. But I have to remember that I have exchanged them for functioning: for being able to talk to my children without yelling, snapping, or crying in frustration; for being able to get through a day without a 2-hour nap; for being able to be with my loved ones, rather than escaping from them. With this comes a capacity for seeing blessings and feeling joy that previously was lost.

While I have been unable to write on my blogs, I have been able to read other's blogs. Over and over I have been challenged, encouraged, blessed by the thoughts and reflections of others. And for this, I thank you. To Ann V. of Holy Experience, thank you for challenging me to see God where he IS, rather than where I would like to keep him boxed. In one post you have given me weeks worth of stuff to contemplate. Slow down ;-) ! To myfriendConnie at smockity frocks may God bless you for blessing me with things of beauty and practicality. You have reminded me that life in my ugly concrete house mission house need not be ugly. To the whole team at The Common Room, thank you for the ongoing view into what life in a homeschooling family can look like. It keeps me going when homeschool days grow weary. And to Amy at Amy's Humble Musings thank you for great links that have kept this news-thirsty expatriate informed about life and politics in the US. I have been challenged and taught on so many levels. And to the many other blog writers I have read and enjoyed, thank you.

Around the world

It has been a month since I posted. A crazy, travel filled, stress-laden month. A last-minute trip to a neighboring Asian country, continued on to another country. A quick return home to pack up and move out of half of our home. Then the final, big journey, halfway around the world, across 14 time zones, to our "home country" for 3 months of leave.

What a month. We traveled on 2 trains, 6 airplanes, countless taxis and occasional subways. Not to mention 30 + hours in the car. Our children have slept in no fewer than 10 places in the past month, not counting airplanes.

In all of this time, we have visited one emergency room, 2 Sunday Schools, and 3 hotels. We have already enjoyed time with 4 grandparents since arriving in the US. God is good. We are together. And we are rejoicing!

A Birthday Dinner

Today I have been cooking. In our house, the birthday dinner menu is generally the choice of the Birthday boy (or girl). Of course, living here, I sometimes have to make adjustments based on what I have on hand or have access to. For instance, vegetables just aren't available right now. For the children this would not be much of an issue, but some of us like vegetables.

Today's menu was based on a more practical theme, however. In less than 4 weeks, we leave for 4 months in the US. So, after an inventory of my freezer and pantry, I planned every meal between now and when we go, with the hope of leaving a minimum of food items in storage here.

Tonight's birthday menu has come together beautifully:

A small pork roast with a cranberry-orange sauce.
Potatoes Au Gratin
Broccoli & Cauliflower - steamed
Apple & Craisin compote

Dessert:
Pineapple cream cheese coffee cake
Homemade vanilla ice cream with toffee bits and mini chocolate chips

The only things I would have liked in addition to the above would have been fresh dinner rolls, but I had to draw the line somewhere!

Now, what is interesting is how this meal came together. Based on my menu calendar, I had chosen the pork roast for today. I noticed a tin of jellied cranberry sauce (left over from last Thanksgiving) while rooting in the pantry the other day for a can of tuna. So, off to the internet to find a recipe that combined these 2 items. Voila! Oh, except I did not have cranberry juice, so I substituted orange juice, freshly squeezed from the Malta oranges that became available last week.

Next came the side dishes. I was hoping for noodles because I LOVE egg noodles with pork. But, making homemade noodles was too much to do today. So, on to plan "B" - potatoes. I dug out bits of 3 different cheeses from the depths of the fridge, all rather desperate to be cooked with, so Au Gratin was the logical choice. Vegetable was easy. Either it came from the freezer or there was not going to be any vegetable. I am out of canned veggies except 1 can of peas that is earmarked for a tuna noodle casserole later this month. The freezer yielded some broccoli & cauliflower. Finally, we just bought apples again for the first time since I can't remember when. Sadly, they were too mushy to be nice to eat. So, they had to be cooked. Add in an open packet of dried cranberries (Craisins), some sugar and cinnamon, and the extra orange juice, and we have a nice compote.

Dessert was even more interesting. A can of local pineapple needed to be used. Cans are notoriously poor around here, so it definitely wouldn't last too long. And then, there was the cheese. Yesterday, DH tried to make ice cream. But when he heated the milk with the sugar in it, it curdled, indicating that the milk was no longer as fresh as it had once been. Our milk is delivered to the door every day, still warm and usually with cow hair floating in it. We boil it and refrigerate it, but it does not keep too long. I couldn't see wasting all of that milk and sugar, so I drained it through cheese cloth and had a wonderful, pre-sweetened soft cheese. The need to use this up before it spoiled pushed me to look for a recipe that would use both the pineapple and the cheese. In the end I chose a recipe that I made once before. Of course, that meant some substitutions also. Sour milk for sour cream, pineapple for apples, my cheese for cream cheese etc. By the way, the ice cream turned out wonderfully on the second try: fresher milk.

And whose birthday was it that was celebrated in this interesting way?

Mine!

Good thing I like to cook!

What a week . . .

It has been a long week. And not a particularly good one. Some difficulties with our work here have been emotionally and spiritually draining. The result is that we are physically drained as well. So, posting has been on the back burner. But today is a bit better. Praise God!

A cup of beauty

Yesterday, I wanted a cup of tea in the afternoon. I reached for the usual, unattractive, "found it somewhere" mug, then stopped and chose this instead:


This lovely cup, complete with a cover to keep my tea hot, was a gift from a dear friend. Just using something pretty, instead of something simply utilitarian, made me smile. Sometimes the little choices make a big difference.

Common Sense

I have just started reading Common Sense Christian Living by Edith Schaeffer. So far, it is an excellent book. Here is what I am mulling over from this book today:

There is a blur around us, a mixture that confuses us. We need to care about not just muddling on and trying to live in separate compartments. We need to strive for wholeness in a practical way, hour by hour and day by day, that there might be the reality that is meant to be in me and in you.

I think that is something I struggle with. It is easier - or perhaps just habit - to compartmentalize life into work, family, church, worship, etc. But the reality is that life is not made up of little boxes, neatly defined. Cleaning up a child's "accident" is just as holy a work as praising God in song. Easier to say than to live out, however.

Blogging

I don't think I have the capacity to become a daily blogger. I write when I have something to say. So, for the past few days when we were away, then traveling home, then unpacking, etc., I had nothing much to write. I think that reflects the fact that I had little time to think. When we are in the big city, I am too busy trying to find places in a tiny room to hand 5 people's wet laundry to ponder the greater questions of the universe. Taking the kids swimming takes precedence over contemplation, and this trip, sore throats and runny noses took over any spare minutes I had.

So, no posts for 4 days. Until today, when you get TWO!

Among the Chaos

I am sitting at the too-high desk in the not-very-clean guest house, making corrections to a project proposal document for Bob. Around me are several stacks of DVDs awaiting checking for quality; half-a-dozen books I have picked up that I would like to read; 5 varied plastic cups and a pitcher of lukewarm water; laundry in various stages of dirty, clean, wet, wrinkled; a roll of toilet paper doubling as Kleenex; an empty diet Pepsi bottle (thanks, Bob); piles of schoolbooks - some open, some closed, some currently being written in; crayons everywhere; a pile of phonics flashcards strewn on the floor; various shopping bags containing groceries, books, and winter clothes; at least 7 pairs of shoes; suitcases and backpacks of various sizes and descriptions; countless matchbox cars; an open packet of laundry soap; and 3 children in various stages of falling off the bed where they are supposed to be working on schoolwork. All of this in a room that is no bigger than 10 x 12.

Isn't life beautiful?

Packing

What is it about packing for a trip that I find so draining? I have never enjoyed travel, which explains why God has placed us on the other side of the globe from our home country. ;-)

Today, I have been packing for a week in our host country's capital. Packing for 5 for a week is a practical challenge - just finding enough t-shirts for the kids that aren't (very) stained can take quite a while. This time, packing means gathering the basics of our homeschool as we can't afford a whole week off right now. It is also challenging because the trip takes 7-8 hours, so we must plan to keep children busy while in the van. Otherwise, boredom grows to petty fighting. Snacks are a big part of that plan.

No matter how easy or difficult the logistics, however, packing unnerves me. I find myself fatigued, grumpy, and worried. The sad part is that I probably could pack much more quickly and forget less if I was not fatigued, grumpy, and worried.

So, the question is, WHY?

I think some, maybe even most, of it stems from my need to be in control. I like things I can control. It is the unknown that I don't like. Piling into a van for an 8 hour trip with 3 kids in a country where toilets are - well - different, is still unpredictable, even after more than 6 years of doing it. Flat tires or other car trouble can lead to hours in a muddy field that doubles as a repair shop, surrounded by hundreds of onlookers, all craning their necks for a peek at the "foreigners." Even slow traffic inevitably leads to excess gawking. I don't tend to savor this process: endurance is all I'm striving for.

So where does that leave me. We are overseas for the foreseeable future, and these trips will always be a necessity. So I must learn to handle this differently. I must find a way to do more than merely survive, be it the trip, or any given day. Is it possible to find grace, even joy in things that in and of myself, I despise? Lord God, give me grace to travel, tomorrow, and always.

Busyness

It is amazing to me how busy life can get sometimes. I worked full time outside the house last week. That is more than rare for me lately. It was an interesting, exhausting week. So Friday came (our Sunday) and I rested, spent time with the family, had church, and so on. Today was spent catching up on clutter and getting organized for the next week of home school. How, in a whole week I wasn't able to blog once is beyond me. Well, I guess having a terrible internet connection for the week also contributed.

Sometimes I look back and wonder where the 13 years since my wedding have gone. How is my oldest nearly 8? How is my baby 3 already? I know that we all feel that way at times, but it seems stronger to me this time. Like busyness itself is a disease that keeps us from living our lives in a meaningful way.

We have some friends who married (each other) in midlife. It was the first marriage for both or them. They have a different life from ours - no children - and they have a few more years of experience on us. What I find interesting, though, is that though they are astonishingly busy, they live life deliberately. They make choices about family, friends, even about their home decor that show that they are living their lives deliberately - and not for selfish reasons, but for the glory of God.

I usually feel as if I'm standing in the middle of a tornado and everything is whirling around me. I am not sure how to make conscious choices that model Christ when I find it difficult to have time to rub two thoughts together. Yet, this is the role God has given me. So His answers must be available. I just have to keep looking, and that is a large part of what my blogging is about.

Sherilyn

A little more about me . . .

The primary motivation for my beginning this blog was to provide a place for me to mull over the things that come up in life. I am not nearly reflective enough. In fact, lately, I find that I have to actively work to not just float along, never thinking about anything more than is absolutely necessary. For anyone who may run across these thoughts, however, it may be helpful for you to know a little about me. Nearly 5 years ago, I was diagnosed with major depression. Medication has made all the difference, but I am still on it. My family and I live in Asia, though we are from the US. We came in 2001 with our oldest child, and 2 other children have been born here. My dh's work has led us to live in a very rural part of this country, and we are quite isolated from other foreigners. Only 1 other foreign family lives here with us. The culture here is such that I rarely go out. Someone else does the shopping, so I rarely even get to the nearby town. Our major forays are to the larger city, an all-day drive one-way. These trips have become increasingly rare as the children have started homeschool. Interestingly, my personality allows me to live like this. I don't need a great number of friends or social outlets. Others who have lived of visited here have labeled it "a prison". I am sometime insecure about why God has put us in this place. But He has, and so, we remain until He tells us to move on. I pray that I may thrive here, not merely survive.